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Bird Flu to glory!

April 8th, 2006 by · No Comments · Features, Football

Not only was our nightly delivery of KFC mega bucket under threat but we worried for Svengland. We all know how highly paid footballers attract the birds (Bunker apologies for appalling 1970′s use of language .Ed.) but we’re pretty sure that our finest will not want to roast these ones…(sorry again. Ed)

After the seventh chicken piece, third portion of coleslaw and a giant cola, we felt slightly odd, but much better for it. But the nagging worry about our own well being (the bunker is an old fall out shelter, so we are quite safe if we can get the air recycling working again) didn’t stop us thinking about what would happen to our first XI should they all spend the week before the tournament slaughtering chickens in team a bonding session in Vietnam? (What’s wrong with La Manga I don’t know)

We would have to send in our pre-prepared second XI.

So just who’s in that England reserve team that are waiting to get on the flight to Germany?, those many Englishmen who grace the best league in the world (no, not La Liga) but aren’t in the squad. The Bunker decided to have a look around the Premiership to see who could get us to the quarter finals.

We started at the top and worked down (seems like one of those systems that can be used in so many situations…)

Chelsea: Plenty of dying swans but let’s move on

Man Utd: Can’t win anything with kids apparently

Liverpool: Now we’re talking…Robbie Fowler. At least the bunker has heard of him. Though David Martin we haven’t. But sure we will after this fine goalkeeper, ex of MK Dons, makes his name on the world stage as a sub..

Tottenham: Danny Murphy…we’re on a roll. He’s played for England and he’s scored

That’s the top 4 done and we have a goal keeper, a striker and a midfielder!

Arsenal: Theo Walcott, the ex-Southampton wunderkind. Never played in the premiership but he is the only Englishman within 250m of the Colney training ground.

Blackburn: We looked. Honest. We looked.

Bolton: Kevin Nolan. At time of writing, he is close to getting a bout of bird flu with the first X1. We’ll have him and Kevin Davies

West Ham: Rich pickings at the Academy of football (and I’d heard those inner city academies are rubbish though) Nigel Reo-Coker, Anton Ferdinand, Matthew Etherington, who has something not many England players possess. A left foot. Dean Ashton, a striker with plenty to U21 experience, having been under 21 for nearly 21 years. Toddy Sherington, who has plenty of over 21 experience [40 year old world cup star?!], Bobby Zamora and Marlon Harewood.

Wigan: Jimmy Bullard. Great old fashioned English name and one for the terraces to get creative with.

Everton: Richard Wright and James Beattie for goalkeeping and another striker (and Duncan Ferguson as social secretary and legal counsel, even though he’s a Scot)

Charlton: Luke Young, if he’s not already getting Tamiflu down his neck.

Newcastle: Scott Parker? No? I know what you mean.

Man City: Darius Vassell seems to have lost his place since his number 1 hit, Joey Barton if we want to pick a fight with a nation of our choice and there was a time when Trevor Sinclair was an England player. But, the bunker just can’t see it, even if Psycho is in charge.

M’Boro: Gareth Southgate? All a bit Graham Turnip Head isn’t it?

Fulham: Wayne Bridge used to be a contender. And the Bunker want Papa Bouba Diop just cos’ no England player will ever have name that sounds like a Mississippi Blues man

Aston Villa: If Kevin Phillips was at a decent club. But he’s not. As Windsor Davies used to say, ‘Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.’

West Brom: Not convincing are they? Be honest.

Portsmouth: Arry’ and his barmy, never heard of ‘em Army!

Birmingham: Big Em wouldn’t even qualify to pick up the luggage, let alone get on the second XI plane to Germany and Nicky Butt makes Man Utd look like it was a great place to look good. No-one there then.

Sunderland: Premiership, not Championship was the criteria.

The result…is Derren Brown-like in it’s cunning, Tony Blair-like in its bravado…

West Ham seem to have a core of English players, just like a certain team 40 years ago…I’m having an early June party at the bunker, maybe I’ll invite Sven and the team, maybe slaughter a few chickens…

The First Second Eleven:

Richard Wright

Wayne Bridge

Anton Ferdinand

Matthew Etherington

Danny Murphy

Nigel Reo-Coker

Joey Barton

Jimmy Bullard

Kevin Nolan

Robbie Fowler

Darius Vassell


David Martin

Theo Walcott

Kevin Davis

Dean Ashton

Bobby Zamora

Toddy Sherington

James Beattie

Marlon Harewood


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