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England v Belarus – Match Report – Wembley

October 15th, 2009 by · No Comments · Features, Football

Right, here we are at Wembley. Well in fact not quite. Due to one too many pre drink beers your trusty reporters missed the first 10 minutes. But nothing ever happens in the first 10 minutes.

After 4 minutes we have scored? How did that happen? Ah, Crouch’s legs realize that holding up such a physically implausible structure is against all known physical laws of the universe, give up the fight and crumple – he looks like a daddy long longs being abused by a disturbed 4-year old – he falls over just at the exact moment that the ball arrives. He looks up and the ball nestles in the back of the net. He takes a second then wheels away in ‘I meant that’ celebration.

So a goal-fest awaits. After a further 30 minutes the crowd are so bored a double Mexican wave starts. We hope it has a Tsunami effect on the band in the corner – but alas they come bobbing up as it goes past. Still the game dribbles on. England intent on giving the ball away to prove that we can’t play EuroKeepBall.

We wonder why they didn’t play Agbonlahor then we realize they are. He’s the one running around aimlessly – no doubt frightened of the wildly flailing centre forward partner he has.

Capello stands in the technical area with his arms folded. He looks like an expensively attired Nora Batty waiting to hit Compo with a rolling pin. The team talk won’t be pretty.

Half time approaches and the lads behind cry

“Six quid for a burger!? They is taking the piss man, but I is so ‘ungry I could eat a man off his horse’. Do they do crisps man?”

Half time see three lucky punters take the Nationwide Penalty competition. The lucky winner gets not to be evicted due to missed mortgage payments. The winner is interviewed and does hit best to imitate an inarticulate professional. Now that’s preparation.

Second half underway. Beckham warms up the crowd stir. Carlton Cole warms up, the crowd consults the programme to see who it is.

Beckham comes on and in 5 minutes flat transforms the game. Passes get to their target. He is the real Captain, JT did nothing to raise the level of the team. We get a corner – Beckham RUNS to take it. He goes short to Right Then Phillips and we are 2-0 up.

The crowd wake up and start to make some noise. Behind the three lads behind us abuse a fan from Belarus as he leaves with gorgeous girlfriend. He stops and points to his shirt ‘ Fuck You im Russian!’. Class.

Beckham is causing havoc. Once again Crouch’s legs argue with Newton and we are 3-0 up. The crowd leaves. Not before we are told that 76,000 are present. Wembley have a special 2 for 1 counting system as there is no way that there is that many people in the stadium.

10 minutes to go. The lads behind speculate how much a Coke will be.

In the best move of the game Milner hits a post closely followed by Beckham. No, wait, Milner didn’t hit Beckham after he hit the post. Beckham hit the post after he hit Milner. No…

It’s over. Beckham is man of the match. Bit harsh on Crouch who scored two whilst proving that physical impediment is no barrier to playing at Wembley.

So see you in South Africa. Oh, no wait. See you for a money spinning game in Doha on the 14th November against Brazil.


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