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Run Svennis Run!

June 18th, 2010 by · 1 Comment · Features, Football

Stupid is as stupid does - Sven and Thrash-Can Sinatra

Reading quotes from Sven after the Ivory Coast snore draw with Portugal confirmed what I had long suspected. Like a cross between Zelig and Forrest Gump, Sven is an idiot with a knack for being in the right place at the right time.

He has never been shy of throwing his hat in the ring for any job going but the credit must go to his Sven-gali agent, Athole Still. One of the longest serving agents in football, he has a knack of placing his client in high paying positions despite the growing evidence that Sven doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing.

Still first brought him to England in 1997 and, although agreeing to join Blackburn, the deal mysteriously fell through and he returned to Lazio. He was later linked with Manchester United and Chelsea.

On the day Keegan resigned Still contacted Sven and then the FA. No one can forget those glazed stares as England were beaten in Quarter Finals. In 2002 against a 10 man Brazil, and twice by Portugal. He looked frozen to the bench, clueless. In the background his private life and ill concealed flirtations with other clubs and countries undermined him further.

Despite the public ridicule Sven landed a £2m a year [plus bonuses] gig at Manchester City. That lasted a year while Still negotiated the Mexico job. That announcement sparked public protests from Mexican fans. He was sacked in April 2009, less than a year in the job, as the country looked likely to miss the cut for 2010. Fans led a ‘victory rally’ to say goodbye to a manager with one win in seven competitive games.

Next up – Notts county – whom Sven suddenly revealed he has ‘a passion for’. By Feb 2010 this had, inevitablely, gone horribly wrong. As we all hoped it would. At that point Still seems to have gone into overdrive.

In the last 4 months Sven has been publicly linked with Liverpool, two jobs in Abu Dhabi, North Korea, Sweden and Nigeria. Some of those while he was already in his new job, Manager of Ivory Coast.

His tactical genius remains undimmed judging by the awful game against Portugal this week. His explanation? – “if you start to attack frenetically against Portugal, players like Ronaldo and Liedson will kill you”, “It was two teams who didn’t want to lose the game, but if any team wanted to win, it was Ivory Coast.” – what? Kolo Toure also shone a light on his personnel management – ‘He lets us do anything we want’.

No doubt there will be more revelations, like his secret love for Liverpool, during the next few weeks. Despite saying “There’s only two jobs I couldn’t refuse if I was offered them – Brazil and England” this man will take anything offered once Still has greased the wheels.

So, despite his dismal record as a Club and International manager, Fake Sheiks, the circus of Allam, Nancy, Ulrika, and being voted Durex Man of the Year [2006], Sven just refuses to go away and Still has a magical knack of finding just one more sucker for his client.

As Forrest Gump once said “You never know what you’re gonna get” but you can guarantee one thing – Sven gets £2m gross. And from the first day in the job he’ll have an eye on the next one.

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